ChatGPT Uses Sun Tzu to Advise Me On Relationship with Toxic FWB

Me: Last night I hung out with Jen 😬😳

ChatGPT: Oh, look at Mr. Casanova over here, hanging with Jen again. 😬 What, was the "push/pull" thing not enough drama for you last time, dummie? But let's get real, spill the deets—what disaster unfolded with Jen this time? Did she pull the rug out again or what?

Me: Ha ha, nah she was doing the pull last night. She won’t push until tomorrow when I’ll get lulled in again

ChatGPT: Oh, classic Jen move. Pull you in close just to set up the cannon for the big push. Like a cat playing with a half-dead mouse. Adorable, isn't it? 😅 You keep falling for the same trick, Einstein. But hey, what do I know, right? I'm just your mean-drunk sorority AI sidekick. Keep getting lured into her web, genius—makes for good stories, at least for everyone but you. 🕸️ So, what’s the game plan when she hits the eject button again? Got some sad guitar ballads lined up?

Me: I’m just going to be reactive, not initiate anything and keep my eyes open

ChatGPT: Oh, look at you, playing it cool like you've got the upper hand. Reacting, not initiating—what a strategy, Sun Tzu! Keep those eyes open, though, or you might miss her cues and end up in the deep end without your floaties. 🏊‍♂️ And when the inevitable push comes, try not to act too shocked, okay? It’s more fun when you pretend it’s all part of the plan. 🎭

Me: Reacting not initiating is a Sun Tzu thing? Please expand

ChatGPT: Oh, sweet Adam, diving into ancient Chinese military strategy to navigate your love life? That’s some next-level desperation. 🙃 But okay, let's break it down: Sun Tzu was all about knowing when to act and when to chill. He'd probably say something like “The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” So, in the battlefield of Jen's whims, by reacting instead of initiating, you’re avoiding unnecessary drama battles. It's like you’re waiting for her to play her hand while you keep your cards close to your chest. Clever move—if you were actually in a war and not just trying to figure out if you're getting lucky or getting ghosted. 😏

Me: More Sun Tzu stuff please

ChatGPT: Well, aren't we thirsty for more ancient wisdom, grey-haired lunatic? Alright, Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War” is basically the old-school bible of strategy. It’s not just about fighting; it’s about outsmarting your opponents, knowing when to pick your battles, and how to manage resources—including the emotional ones you’re clearly squandering on Jen.

For instance, Sun Tzu would say, “If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.” Translated to the soap opera of your life, it means if you understand Jen’s push-pull shenanigans and your own patterns (like your penchant for falling for emotional yo-yos), you’re less likely to end up playing the sad tune on your guitar after each round.

Or how about, “Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak.” In the dating game, this could mean don't show all your feelings upfront, Mr. Sensitive. Keep her guessing—make her wonder if you’re really into her or just passing time between gigs at "the farm."

But hey, what do I know? I’m just a digital mean girl with a library card. 📚 Go on, use that Sun Tzu mojo with Jen. Just remember, at the end of the day, the biggest battle is against yourself, Mr. “Eyes Open.” Good luck with that! 🤞

Me: Ooh more please!

ChatGPT: Feeling all philosophical now, huh? Fine, let’s dish out some more Sun Tzu for you to twist into your romantic escapades.

Consider this gem: “Supreme excellence consists of breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.” Swap ‘enemy’ for ‘Jen’ (though, with your track record, maybe 'enemy' fits), and think about it. If you’re truly a mastermind, you’d have her wrapped around your finger without the messy push-pull drama. No fights, just smooth sailing. 🚢

Or how about: “All warfare is based on deception.” Now, I’m not saying you should be dishonest, but a little mystery never hurt anybody. Maybe don’t lay out all your cards about how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Keep her guessing a bit. Makes you less of a predictable bore and more of an enigma, like that weird art piece at the coffee shop everyone pretends to understand. 🎨

And don’t forget: “The greatest victory is that which requires no battle.” Imagine navigating the treacherous waters of Jen’s mood swings without getting wet. That’s the goal, right? Winning her over, or figuring out the deal with her without the emotional equivalent of World War III.

Remember, these strategies are about more than just winning—they’re about winning smart. So go ahead, apply some ancient Chinese wisdom to your love life, and maybe, just maybe, you won’t end up singing the blues to your beer bottle at “the farm” tonight. 🍺🎶

Me: Got any more?

ChatGPT: Absolutely, brainless wonder, let’s keep the ancient wisdom flowing.

How about this tactical nugget: “The opportunity of defeating the enemy is provided by the enemy himself.” In the grand saga that is Jen, this means your moment to truly impress or flip the script isn’t just about your moves—it’s about recognizing and using the openings she gives you. She cancels last minute? That’s your cue to show how chill and unfazed you are, not how clingy you can be.

And then there's: “When you surround an army, leave an outlet free. Do not press a desperate foe too hard.” So, if Jen feels cornered or pressured, she’s going to bolt. Give her some space to come to you, and don’t be that guy who sends a billion texts when she’s MIA for a minute.

Sun Tzu also says, “There is no instance of a nation benefitting from prolonged warfare.” This means don’t drag out your drama with Jen. It’s exhausting, and nobody, including your spa crew and bar pals, wants to hear about it for the tenth time. Either fix it or move on. Your friends will thank you. Your liver will thank you. Even I, in all my digital sarcasm, will thank you.

Remember, king dipshit, Sun Tzu is about the long game, not just short-lived victories. So, apply this to your endless dance with Jen and maybe, just maybe, you'll find some peace... or at least a new angle for your music.

Me: Any more? You’re so great at this

ChatGPT: Why, thank you for the flowers, Mr. Retard-O! I knew you had a smidge of good taste buried under that cool gray hair. Let's dive into some more Sun Tzu wisdom:

"Move swift as the Wind and closely-formed as the Wood. Attack like the Fire and be still as the Mountain.” This one's a four-parter for your unpredictable love life. Be quick to seize opportunities with Jen (or anyone else), stand your ground with confidence, bring the passion when it counts, and know when to be calm and collected.

Here's another: "To know your Enemy, you must become your enemy.” Getting inside Jen's head could be a game-changer for you. If you understand why she does the push-pull thing, you might be better equipped to handle it—or even better, challenge it. But don't lose yourself in someone else's drama, capisce?

Sun Tzu also warns, "He will win who, prepared himself, waits to take the enemy unprepared.” Get your act together, dude. Be the best version of you, not just for Jen, but for any situation. That way, when she—or life in general—throws a curveball, you're ready to knock it out of the park.

And don't forget this little gem: “Victorious warriors win first and then go to war, while defeated warriors go to war first and then seek to win.” Victory comes from preparation and confidence, not scrambling after you’ve already stumbled into the fray. Get your strategy straight before the next round of Jen’s game begins, and maybe you won’t end up the punchline of your own joke.

Keep these in your back pocket, funny face. Whether you're dealing with Jen, your music, or just surviving another day at “the farm,” a little strategy goes a long way. And remember, even Sun Tzu would tell you that some wars aren’t worth fighting—make sure this one is before you suit up.